Remaining

I have a confession.

It's not flattering

But when I met you and felt attraction, I was relieved.

I saw our common interests and shared passions and thought

Perhaps you could pull me free

Where I had failed so many times.

Save me

From a one sided love that

Rips me apart on the rocks

Somehow, it's my own strength that holds me there day after day.

And I thought

If I can't lift myself away

Make my heart close

Maybe you could capture my love

With your own

Be my shield

My shelter

A hand out of hell.

But reaching for help seems desperate

And your fancy seems to have passed.

The rocks remain.

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A New Future

The last eight months have been a hard won battle for progress. I feel as though I have aged 10 years in that time but as the light grows brighter and the first breath of life reaches to me, I feel as though it may have been worth it. I realize now that the sudden and unexpected nature of the breakup, while traumatic in its own right, called up unresolved energy from my parents' divorce so many years ago. I don't know how one goes about truly healing something like that but being conscious of it seems a good start. I still miss my friend and wonder how life has been treating him in the time between. But I think I may have finally let go. I have no doubt that the aftershocks of that event will be felt for some time to come but at least my feet are firmly planted on a joy filled path to new discovery. I will be successful. I will find love again. It feels good to get my wheels free from the muck and go on rolling down the road to a new future...

Echoes in the heart

I miss you in all the small things we did so well together. I miss you when I do chores around the house. When I mow the lawn. I miss you when I make spaghetti squash or try a new recipe. I miss you when I go to bed and even more when I wake up. The Beast wakes but her tastes have become refined and no one will do but you. My logic says to forget you. My heart refuses. Alone and lonely, I try to ignore the echoes in my heart that speak of your absence.

Loving and Letting Go

I woke this morning from another dream of you. The details are lost to me but the certainty that I know why you've stayed out of contact for so long with never a weak moment has stayed with me. I don't care to speculate on how long she's been in your life. It makes no difference in the final outcome. I hope you're happy. I hope you're healing. And I hope you think of me fondly from time to time. Today is a sad day for me but today will have its end just like any other day. This too shall pass. Eventually.

Six Months Walkin'. No Nearer or Farther Away

Every day that we have been apart I've dreamed of you. In the beginning the dreams were new and painful variants on our break up. Over time they changed to dreams of being scorned. Then dreams of searching fruitlessly for you through the night. Lately they have had a new tone. First I dreamed of your mother. Oddly enough I stumbled across her in church (where we both know I'd likely not be). She reached out and gave me a huge warm hug. As she held on, I could feel that she was trying to heal me- of my pain, I think. Then she pulled back with a quiet smile and said something very peacefully about me expecting. All I could do is stammer and grow frantic as I explained that wasn't possible. I hadn't been with anyone since you... She simply smiled and said she knew. Then I spent the rest of that night's dreaming time searching for you through the crowd of church goers. In the last week or two the dreamscape has continued to change. I've found you now a few times. You've looked at me at first with delight and then fear. Moved to give me a kiss and then locked down. The next encounter you had decided to try and be friends. Only, 'being friends' was just a way to save pride while we all knew what we were really trying to do was come back together again. Last night? *sigh* Last night you came up behind me and slipped your hand into mine. So warm and real it took my breath away. While my eyes were closed with the ecstasy of the innocent contact, your lips found mine. That hand in mine, that kiss... They were more real to me than the feel of the keys under my fingers as I type this. I'm no dream interpreter. Sometimes dreams tell you very obvious things and then even I might stumble to the right conclusion. These dreams of mine, they leave me aching with loneliness. Six months and I still dream of you every night. Cry for you at least a couple times a week. Ache for your touch and hunger for the sound of your voice. How the hell do I get over you? I am so sorry that I can't seem to let you go. I know it's what you want. That my continued feelings for you are just an awkward inconvenience to you now. But damned if I know what to do differently. I've filled my life as full of the things and people I love as I can and yet there is still this yawning void where I feel you belong. *sigh* I'll keep on trucking, I guess. Meanwhile, happy early birthday my love.

Something Broken

Last night's dreaming quest brought me awake with tears as it brought a glimmer of clarity. The reason I talk back and forth with friends about what happened, trying to guess at the why's and how's is that... I didn't see it. I believed with every fiber of my being that our love was real. I know I love you still. My faith is undiminished in that. But my trust in my own intuition is badly broken. How could I have failed to see so much that you could go from my loving and devoted partner to dead-eyed stranger nearly overnight? My dwelling upon the subject has nothing to do with your rejection and everything to do with my lack of sight. I don't know how I can ever trust in someone else's purported love again when my own assessment of the state of your heart was so sadly wrong. I am sorry that I failed to see you, see into you. And I am terrified to try again...

Swallowing Dark

barely breathing
the emptiness reaches up
to close my throat
vision cracks into
rainbows and mist
I am broken
bereft
hope dies...

Happy Anniversary

I retraced our walk on Friday where one year before we had met for the first time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not doing the grieving for the both of us. It's so unusual for me to remain in this state for long. Usually one month tops. It's been 3 months without you by my side and I am still convinced that you are my life partner. I'm only sorry you can't be with me for all of that. I keep trying to tell myself to 'get over' you, mostly for your sake. Of course, I haven't succeeded. I'm not angry, I don't think you made the wrong decision. I know we both need time to heal. From past pain and present. Maybe some day there will be a new future for us. Maybe on that someday, that future will be together.

Happy Valentines Day, My Love

It's been almost 2 months exactly since you said goodbye. I am no nearer to letting you go. I cannot shake this stubborn conviction that our story is not done. This separation is but for a time and that somewhere, somehow out paths will meet again. I do not know what the future may hold for us. But I cannot accept that the incredible depth of our bond could be so simply severed. I'm sure some day I will date again. But I will never truly move on. I will never forget you. Never stop loving you. You will be in my prayers and my heart. Goodnight my love. Sweet peace to you.

A Free Thinking Look at My Future

I will exist in a place of freedom. A place where I can live with freeflowing rules and creative freedom. I want it to feel like an investment, a savings account. Not a sink hole and another debt. I want something that belongs to just me. A point of stability that I build for myself. I want to do creative things with my time. I want to be proud of myself as an employee and a business owner. A place of health and healing and happiness. I want to feel like my creative pursuits are profitable as well as pleasurable. Dance, teaching, creating clothing, patterns, wings, horns, workshops all in their own time and space. I want to honor my gifts. I want to network and share and help connect the people of my community. I want to honor myself.

Quiet Tears Come Falling

I miss you so much Angel. My throat grows tight and my eyes fill. But still I must pick up one foot and place it in front of the other. The motions of my life must go on. While I know that this pocket of infection that has come to the surface must be healed by you alone, I fervently wish that I could do something more to help. That there was something I could use to justify my undying hope for reconciliation. My heart hurts. I am tired. The loneliness is only outweighed by my need to honor your request for space. What I wouldn't give to place my head under your chin and breathe in the smell of your neck and know that everything was going to be all right. I miss my home, I miss the feel of your arms around me. I know that I will come through this stronger, deeper, regardless of the ultimate outcome. But I am haunted by the conviction that anyone after you would just be settling for second best. I have never loved so much as I love you. With no friend nor family member have I shared as deep a connection. And so I wait. I breathe. I hope. Sweet peace to you my love...

Minding the Heart

There is sometimes a temptation to bury the voice of our heart in the voice of intellect. Our heart operates off of what we know to be true. Our intellect from what we fear to be true. In especially muddled situations it can be remarkably difficult to sort out those two voices. A growing discomfort certainly points to something out of balance or alignment but how do we know if we've determined the correct something? A piece of trauma or past baggage that has been around for a long time becomes very well camouflaged. Add to that the confusion that is created when those long term issues are triggered by several different things at once and it becomes like a needle in a haystack to pinpoint the source of our discomfort. When a decision comes from the heart, there is peace with it. When a decision comes from only the intellect, some part of us struggles against it even when it sounds like it should be exactly right. Making decisions from the heart in confused situations can often take time and a lot of reflection. It also seems to require that we find a way to quiet the mind so we can hear more clearly.

The Depths of Love

The depth of our fear of loss is equal to the depth of our yearning for closeness and the depth of our caring. When your heart is huge and it is filled to bursting with love for another, it is easy to become overwhelmed by the equally powerful possibility of fear of loss. To love without condition, to open one's heart to a point of utter vulnerability and accept all pain that is brought as the flailings of fear and not as the substance of truth is a life's journey. I am going to sit with my fear, with the pain and I am going to practice loving anyway. I am going to attempt to rest in that body of love and not thrash about when rocks are thrown at my heart. I must strive for agape. In my human state, I will likely fall somewhat short, but luckily, it's the journey not the destination that counts here. Here's to love. Here's to commitment. Here's to not flinching.

"This will only hurt a little"

The cycles of life contain pain and pleasure in equal measure. The only constant is that everything will get better with time and everything will fall apart again. I believe that pain is not meant to limit our capabilities but rather it is meant to be a powerful tool. It is true that we can learn in joy. Usually slowly and only as we attain a certain level of spiritual development. Pain is often necessary for healing. When something has haunted us from our past but failed to heal, it must be brought to the surface and excised in order to fill the flawed space with strength and new resolve. Don't deny the pain but rather sit with it and let it do its work. Each lesson only half-done then shoved away in denial must only be done over again. I sit here at my keyboard with my heart full of pain knowing that my life partner is continuing to teach me the lessons I need to find a truer, more unshakable peace than I've ever found before. Loneliness and fear lick at the edges from the vast field of uncertainty. But I learn to live more in the moment. That space of safety that nothing takes from us. My mind keeps trying to tell me stories and I keep putting the 'book' down and returning to breath. It is amazingly difficult to sit with pain and not try to squirm out from under the pressure of it. I do not know anything of what is in front of me. I must learn to be at peace in a place of shifting sands and unanswered questions.

Paradise Lost

I am dying inside a little more each day. His passion, his pure heart, what seemed like his unshakable love... I let them lead me to trust. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. I have found my life's partner. I have been so full of joy and peace with him. Until now. When it all comes crumbling down. Something has changed in him. Some undefinable value. He's withdrawn and surly. Nothing is good enough. Now he won't even initiate touch or say I love you. There is nothing I can do in the face of this except watch in horror as the miracle we have is allowed to die. My animals and I will be homeless and heartbroken. He led me to believe he would always be there for me. Now he looks at me with empty eyes and resentment for something I have no guilt in. All I can do is give us both space and pray for peace within myself to survive whatever comes next. I don't want to live without him. This will be a loss like no other that's come before. I am struggling to be brave. To keep hope alive but... my heart is breaking.

Harvest Time

Today is the pagan holiday Mabon. It is a time to reflect on the year's harvest and be grateful. It is also my 6th month 'anniversary' with my love. I could write of the little vegetable garden that has produced so faithfully for us over the summer but in truth, that garden has more of my lover's heart and hard work poured into it than mine. No, the truer harvest for me has nothing to do with turning the earth and tending green things. This has been a year of great bounty. I have had a stable job where I have gained useful experience. I have made great strides with my personal goals and I have shared wonderful moments with friends. Greater than all of these things are the gifts of my true love and the dog that I've pined for since I was 15. My life is bursting with love and gratitude and plenty. There is much yet to learn and discover and work through but for the first time in my life I feel confident saying I have a true partner who will be my strength when I need it and walk each step of the way together. It has been a year of many miracles. I am hopeful that because of the joy in my life, I have brought some measure of that feeling of peace into someone else's year. Blessed Be. Happy Mabon. Good harvest.

Scrap of Something- Written Who Knows When...

Unreasoning urge
blind yearning
I taste you in dreams
and wake with dust in my mouth
I want to know you in all sense of the word
Smell your skin
Feel your hair brush my face
Blend the borders of our bodies
until walls and boundaries become meaningless
Logic draws its weapons
and love turns the ground soft
sinking in the inescapable
knowledge that I have lost
and there will be no redemption
your heart is closed to me
my prayers fall upon empty idols
~Muse~

Puppy Dog Tales...

When I first dreamed of you, you were a Norwegian Elkhound. That was when I was 15 and thought I could convince Mom to let me get into dog showing with 4H. Mom said no. College would take me away in a few years and she didn't want to be 'stuck' with my dog. It's been nearly 15 years since then. You've been a Greyhound, a Borzoi, a Silken Windhound and now finally the reality of my perfect, loving, crazy Italian Greyhound rescue boy. Welcome home friend.

Sweet Sleep and Sweeter Still

When I walk the waking world as if a Dreamer
Who's to say I'm not asleep?

Enchanted moments last forever.
Separations make reunion sweet.

My dancing heart and soul in fever
Out racing Doubt with peaceful stillness.

Joined with you remakes the World.
Love with you is joy complete and utter devastation.
No thing I see is left unchanged.

~Muse~

The Pretty Poison Apple

It never seems to get any easier with repetition. The rise of hope followed quickly by a wave of sadness and fear. The poison apple looks pretty but she's got a secret. Will you love her anyway?

Praises are bittersweet when disappointment hides inside. She would change it if she could. Take that choice away from you... There it stands between you. A spector of past pain shadowing her step.

The words withheld are ash in her mouth and lead in her heart.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl who trusted too much... She paid for that trust and to have her, so must you. The pretty poison apple...

True Love

In dreaming
my heart says
all the things my waking self cannot

While sleeping
my hand seeks yours
our lips and souls the essence of our bond

Too cruel
the nightmare of truth
our sleepless separation never rests

Rude hope
never grants acceptance
true love conquers all but this
~Muse~

Dream Lover

He speaks to me
In the dark of night
From that borderland
Before dreams.
Strong arms full of loving welcome,
Quiet words of reassurance.
Love
Kisses
He calls me his Angel.
Dances with me in the Silence.
The quiet music of our hearts
Beats the rhythm.

Where are you?
When will I find you?

Soon Love, soon.
I'm coming.
There's something we have left to finish first.
Don't give up.

~Muse~

And the Cycle Continues...

An inspiring idea... a creative surge. My life turned upside down by the ideas that consume me and clamor to be given life. A flash-fire smile... a flutter in my stomach. Holding my breath, waiting for what comes next. Either way I'll fall, but will it be bliss or hell? Each time life revolves through another cycle you hope that this time you've learned a better way. May there be more joy, great growth and minimal heart break...

Craziness persists

I am accustomed to being a very resilient individual. The last few weeks in particular have seen my 'self control' erode rapidly. I cannot remember another time in my life when I have ever felt so unbalanced. This lack of emotional stability has had me very worried. Today I had a moment of reflection that seems to have granted a possible conclusion to the question of, "why?" and more than a bit of peace. If my uncanny hunches seem even more pointed than usual, try not to let it bother you too much. I'm sure it's just cloud fluff and too many weird dreams...

Have I lost my mind, or just my heart?

I've been shaken to my roots, tipped over, tangled up.... completely and utterly knocked off balance. My interactions with the world lately had left me worried that I had somehow become a bit jaded. The brilliance had faded. I still enjoyed every day and threw myself into things with the same boundless enthusiasm, but I ceased to be truely impressed by my fellow man. I'd go out dancing with my girls and no one would strike me as particularly attractive or maybe they were reasonably cute, but something seemed lacking in their intellect or personality. It made me sad to think that maybe I'd lost the ability to appreciate others. Then I met him. I'm sure I was staring. I couldn't help it. It wasn't because he was an amazing dancer or belonged on the cover of a magazine as one of America's hottest males... there was just something about him that held me captivated. When our eyes would meet across the dance floor we'd share a flash-fire smile and turn back to our friends. Inevitably, when one of us would be doing something silly the other would see and laugh. A whole conversation carried out with the length of the dance floor between us and no words spoken. I was stunned to find myself jealous when he danced with another girl. Relieved when it became apparent that she was just a friend. Finally, he made his way over to me, wading through the masses of heaving bodies to dance by my side. I'm sure I was grinning like an idiot. I'll never forget the rush of feeling that flooded me when he rescued me from a tall cowboy trying to cut in and declared me, "saved!"... After an all too short night of dancing, exchanged phone numbers and a follow up meeting for hockey and board games with my friends, I am left leaning out over space. I feel like I'm going to take an emotional header at any moment now. I've NEVER had this strong a reaction to someone based on so little. And now, while I'm sure he likes me, I am very unsure that he likes me enough... No good night kiss, no call to say hello... just a request to call and hang out in a week. A slim branch to hang on while I wait to be put out of my misery and find out if he's in the same state I am or just mildly intrigued. Humoring the obviously enamoured female and generally being a nice guy...

SCORPIO - The Intense One ~ Very Energetic ~ (Oct 23 - Nov 21 )

Intelligent.
I'd like to think so :)
Can be jealous and/or possessive.
Yep. But not unreasonably so...
Hardworking.
As long as I don't get too distracted.
Great kisser.
So I've been told ;)
Can become obsessive or secretive.
Well, duh.
Holds grudges.
I'll never forget, but I'll probably stop giving you shit for it eventually.
Attractive.
Aww, shucks...
Determined.
See 'obsessive' above.
Loves being in long Relationships.
Heck ya, baby! Too bad all I end up with these days are multiple-casual-craziness...
Talkative.
Um, talkative? I'm posting this to my own blog, isn't that stating the obvious?
Romantic.
Embarrassingly so, to the point where I try to pretend I'm not
Can be self-centered at times.
Indeed. And why not? If I don't worry about me, no one else seems to.
Passionate and Emotional.
This girl doesn't encompass much from the pastel palette for sure and everything I see and think comes through a 'gut feeling', intuitive, emotional perspective.

... Gosh, now I feel so predictable...

happy Halloween!

This is what I get for searching for winged stars...

Sister of sin
Lover of my unwedden night
In blasphemy we bathe our unclean bodies
We find adoration in the filthy procreation
His will is our devotion
Giving in to the knight of the remote star
Falling in love with the darkest tormentor
The basic instinct, the obscurity of my soul
We hide our secrets damnedly deep
And these are the key to the sempimental glory
To the harmony of body and soul
Immortality, spiritual ecstasy and diableriaSister of sin
When rich and when poor
On my way to the throne
Lay bare on your gems
The nest of filth (and licentiousness)
Of am I drinking your sweetest juices
The poison in the wine of asceticism
Down am I sitting on the fathers right side
And with his benedictionI am opening the Pandora's box.

pilfered work...

You were standing in the doorway with your crooked smile as big and wild as the morning light. I was spellbound--lost all memory of who I'd been before that moment. You were as shockingly real as the perfect giant spider web stretched across my front porch when I left my house today. Did I hallucinate what you said as you murmured into your cell phone? Or did you really say, "I'm looking for someone who'll teach me how to live forever as we make love with exploding hearts"? That was too sweet and fierce to bear. So here's my loving complaint, which is also my bragging promise: I want you so much I want to be you. I adore you with such painful lucidity that I think I could learn how to find you in every bird's cry, every cloud's flow, every changing face.